absurdical

Renner grew up with a pygmy goat named Sugar. He’s the oldest kid, with four siblings who range in age from 37 years to 4 months. He and his best friend (the actor Kristoffer Winters, whom he also confusingly refers to as “my brother”) run a successful side business renovating houses. Sometimes he lives in the houses during construction, often without such bourgie comforts as electricity and indoor plumbing. Disciplines he’s studied include but are not limited to: world religion, sociology, criminology, Filipino stick fighting, and Muay Thai martial arts. Previous professions: ski instructor, professional makeup artist. He has taught himself to be unafraid of sharks. He has dined with Colin Powell and has regularly basked in the praise of such luminaries as Sean Penn—but about the only time he’s found himself starstruck was when he met Cesar Millan, TV’s Dog Whisperer. He is, by turns, cut-the-bullshit intense and just-fucking-with-you funny. He’s religiously unsentimental (“I don’t give a shit about the past”) and unabashedly devoted to his cream-colored miniature French bulldog, Franklin.

I’m not saying the dude is weird. I’m saying he contains multitudes.

“Jeremy Renner Finally Gets Some Action” by Adam Sachs, Details, December 2011

a quote from my marvelous hilarious amazing gaffegaffe:

“wait. jeremy renner FLIPS HOUSES? HE’S A FLIPPER? WHY THE FUCK DOESN’T HE HAVE HIS OWN FUCKING SHOW ON THE DIY NETWORK? IT COULD BE CALLED RENNERVATION.”

(Source: citysleep)

gaffegaffe:

theavc:

Ashton Kutcher pretending to be an Indian guy: maybe not the best way to sell potato chips

Meanwhile, the discussion continues over whether Kutcher’s caricature is simply the latest in a long line of comedic, occasionally terrible Indian impersonations—a lineage that stretches from Peter Sellers in The Party through Fisher Stevens in Short Circuit, Hank Azaria on The Simpsons, and Mike Myers in The Love Guru—or evidence of an innate, institutionalized racism that would somehow preclude someone like Ashton Kutcher from pausing from lathering on brown makeup, looking in the mirror, and saying, “I don’t know, guys, is this a good idea?”

THIS IS HORRIBLE. How many people approved this, and what was possibly REJECTED in favor of this?? 

Also, calm down with your marketing ploys. They’re POTATO CHIPS. People aren’t exactly in danger of forgetting they exist/feeling to their very core the express need to shove huge handfuls of them directly into their mouth sockets. Just put a bag of chips on a nice table, film it, and say, “WOW DON’T YOU REALLY WANT THESE NOW? I THINK THE STORE IS STILL OPEN. GO GET THEM. YOU CAN PAUSE TV BECAUSE WE LIVE IN THE FUTURE. GO. RUN! RUN TO CHIPS. HUMAN LOVE POTATO CHIPS.” 

See that wasn’t racist at all & is very cost effective. Potato chips, let me know if you need a publicist. 

REBLOGGING FOR MY BRILLIANT BEAUTIFUL PUBLICIST FRIEND, GAFFEGAFFE, WHO JUST SOLD ME A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS. 

gaffegaffe:

hey absurdical i’m gonna get you all sortsa drunk on avengers de mayo weekend and then we’re getting matching tattoos. we’ll flip a coin for who gets the robot devil. 

for never were there ladies who loved tequila and nerdy tattoos
as much as absurdical and her brooklynite robot-lovin’ ladyboo

(oh and also czargasm, who i joined on a tattoo gettin’ expedition in the ATL like 2yrs ago and then we got riotously drunk with glorfindel and then, somehow, czargasm also got “food poisoning,” and for reasons totally unrelated to all the tequila, but completely related to the FOOD POISONING, barfed everywhere. WHAT FUN WE ALL HAD!)

(Source: lyricalmasochism)

gaffegaffe:

emilygould:

I legitimately have no answers to these questions

How do our security questions make you feel? I mean, really. We’re friends, right?

What was the first day of your last period? Followup: how heavy was your flow?

When was the last time you called your mother? 

How much wine did you drink last night and at any point did you think you should probably stop? How many glasses did you have AFTER that point? 

(via bookh8r)

gaffegaffe:

absurdical:gaffegaffe:your-nibs:modcloth:

A cute cat DIY from JenLovesKev.

sorry modcloth this just makes your knees look demonically happy

This is the dumbest shit. Just let your knees be knees. What the fuck is wrong with you that you need to kneedazzle yourself? Who is walking around outside, acting all surprised about how knees look? Is it literally your first day around other human beings? Are you actually one day old? Get some therapy, jesus christ. This is a bigger problem than your anxiety-driven self-imposed quirks!!!!

I don’t know what would be more sad: if it was something you could buy (“yeah i bought these things… i don’t know i guess i just really don’t understand how money works/i have a serious problem”) or the fact that it’s something you need to spend time—and inevitably money, in the end—making yourself. Oh yeah, sorry, Lucy. I can’t go out tonight. I’m making modesty patches for my knees. They’re kitty cats!! My knees are cats! I need so much help, Lucy. 

[“Cover your knees up if you’re gonna be walking around outside!”]

#all i want in life is for my friends to be full of rage about stuff

GIRL, YOU HAVE BEFRIENDED ALL THE RIGHT PEOPLE

and in the above scenario, lucy is going to go to the bar with all your friends and talk about what you’re doing to your knees and it will be literally all anyone talks about for the rest of your life. like, they love you, they’re your friends, and it won’t come up all the time, but it will come up when you bring around someone you want to impress and that’s going to be the first thing your friends say: OH MY GOD HAVE YOU SEEN THE KITTY KNEE PATCHES YET??!?! THEY’RE SHAPED LIKE CATS!!! DID YOU MEET AT A HAIRPIN MEETUP ORGANIZED FOR THE EXCLUSIVE PURPOSE OF MAKING ANIMAL-THEMED FRIENDSHIP KNEE PATCHES?!?!? this, of course, will be the first time this new person hears about it, and they will side with your friends, and you’ll all cackle into the night like you do, but then you’ll need a modesty patch for YOUR ENTIRE SOUL (cat-shaped?) and i don’t think anyone has written the DIY guide on that yet.

— Have you met Lucy’s friend? The one, you know, she was at that thing! She came to the movies with us and drank like all of my soda? 

— No I don’t think I have.

— I know you’ve met her!!! She was at the bar with us that night when Claire licked that man’s mustache.

— Hahaha

— Hahahahahahahaa

— Hahahaha

— Hahahahaa—ok but no, I know you know her.

— I swear I don’t.

— You do!! She’s—ugh, I feel like we should be able to move on from this but… she’s cat knee patches.

— OHHHH. OH MY GOD. Say no more. 

— Anyway, she’s dating a furry now. They’re having a Jacob-from-Twilight themed wedding. 

— Sounds about right.

- But I can’t believe she didn’t invite me. I mean, I don’t know her name or her fiance’s name or anything — I’m not even sure what she looks like, to be honest, all I remember are kitten-shaped knee patches — but that wedding sounds so crazy I feel like I should have been sent a press pass or something.

— Hahahaha I bet the Times would buy a story about it.

- I’m going to email The Atlantic and ask them for $5000 to infiltrate Twilight-themed weddings around the country, and write them a piece about this and the decay of American mores or taste or some shit.

— Or we could stay here and drink. Forever.

- That sounds better. Like, I don’t think I have the linguistic finesse to do justice to this girl’s dress that will probably have a mantle made of real cat hair. From her cats.

— NO what if it’s a cape made of her fiance’s chest hair and he has a lock of her pubes in a clear glass pendant around his neck, and the ceremony ends with a drum circle and primal mounting at the altar?

- You always have to take it one step too far. It’s like your mouth is where my nightmares are born. 

— …not the first time I’ve heard that.

gaffegaffe:your-nibs:modcloth:

A cute cat DIY from JenLovesKev.

sorry modcloth this just makes your knees look demonically happy

This is the dumbest shit. Just let your knees be knees. What the fuck is wrong with you that you need to kneedazzle yourself? Who is walking around outside, acting all surprised about how knees look? Is it literally your first day around other human beings? Are you actually one day old? Get some therapy, jesus christ. This is a bigger problem than your anxiety-driven self-imposed quirks!!!!

I don’t know what would be more sad: if it was something you could buy (“yeah i bought these things… i don’t know i guess i just really don’t understand how money works/i have a serious problem”) or the fact that it’s something you need to spend time—and inevitably money, in the end—making yourself. Oh yeah, sorry, Lucy. I can’t go out tonight. I’m making modesty patches for my knees. They’re kitty cats!! My knees are cats! I need so much help, Lucy. 

[“Cover your knees up if you’re gonna be walking around outside!”]

#all i want in life is for my friends to be full of rage about stuff

GIRL, YOU HAVE BEFRIENDED ALL THE RIGHT PEOPLE

and in the above scenario, lucy is going to go to the bar with all your friends and talk about what you’re doing to your knees and it will be literally all anyone talks about for the rest of your life. like, they love you, they’re your friends, and it won’t come up all the time, but it will come up when you bring around someone you want to impress and that’s going to be the first thing your friends say: OH MY GOD HAVE YOU SEEN THE KITTY KNEE PATCHES YET??!?! THEY’RE SHAPED LIKE CATS!!! DID YOU MEET AT A HAIRPIN MEETUP ORGANIZED FOR THE EXCLUSIVE PURPOSE OF MAKING ANIMAL-THEMED FRIENDSHIP KNEE PATCHES?!?!? this, of course, will be the first time this new person hears about it, and they will side with your friends, and you’ll all cackle into the night like you do, but then you’ll need a modesty patch for YOUR ENTIRE SOUL (cat-shaped?) and i don’t think anyone has written the DIY guide on that yet.

(via zlot)

gaffegaffe:

For a small fee, Zac Efron will hold a drawing of a picture of himself and will only kind of do the pose right. On some nights, for an equal fee, he may hold a drawing of a picture of himself while telling you a secret he doesn’t want the drawing of a picture of himself to know. Shhh, he says, covering the ears on the drawing of the picture of himself. Don’t tell him. This is just our little secret. He will tell you, for a small fee.

#services you may be interested in buying

(Source: cdkirven)

gaffegaffe:

ATTN: DANIEL RADCLIFFE BEING UNATTRACTIVELY EXCITED ABOUT PETTING A CAT IN THE BULGAKOV MUSEUM IN RUSSIA 

i can’t believe i’m posting this at work because this is ACTUALLY PORNOGRAPHY

#so long #farewell #auf Wiedersehen #goodnight

I’D HATE

TO END

THIS LITTLE CAT’S LIFE

but i miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight

i miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight

i miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight

(you miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight)

(Source: leticja)