Philly Unveils World’s Largest T-Shirt Cannon; Haters Crying Themselves to Sleep; They Literally Cannot Believe It
ATTENTION, ATTENTION: THE GAME HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED NOW THAT PHILLY HAS JUST UNVEILED THE WORLD’S LARGEST T-SHIRT CANNON.
I’m thinking Philadelphia needs a Steinburger. What say you all? My basic business model will be to serve excellent burgers and make fun of the customers behind their backs.
reblogging so i can eat at steinburgers for free always
“The Zac Came Back The Very Next Day”
I put a fake booger in my nose and pretended to have this awful cough.
It was a moral deception.
She had been talking about her cat all night.
Girl, that is not the cat I was interested in.
I was like, sorry, see you again never!
Oh, and by the way, I’m seeing your best friend.
Why’d you have to bring Zac Efron into it?
“The Morning Before The Night After”
There are those tired-eye mornings
but this one was earned.
She tongued her palette, remembering
…penis, penis, penis…
and my poor processed parrot, RIP, you poor fucking bastard.
I’ll never drink Stoli again.
These were so fucking beautiful, omfg.
Philly’s been named by GQ as the sixth worst-dressed city in America. As a native NYer, I’m not surprised by this; whenever I wear black, I get at least three comments about how I am “sooooo New York,” which leads me to believe that no one ever taught Buttsadelphians that black is a) always stylish, b) slimming, and c) the opposite of white and therefore not an unusual color choice.
But, really, I see this placement as kind of unfair. ANY city in the U.S. is going to look like ass fashion-wise, compared to NYC. Also, Buttsadelphia smells awful all the time, so why would we wear trendy, fancy clothes when we’re all going to end up smelling like urine and burnt meat? Not to mention the shot of hot steam we’d get right in the vagine if we walked over an open sewer vent while wearing a skirt.
The good news is that in a city full of walking Phillies t-shirts, it’s really easy to look fashionable if you put, like, half an ounce of effort into it. So, take heart, people. Even if you own one fitted cardigan, you’re already ahead of the game.
I’m currently dressed like a middle-aged kindergarten-teaching schlub* and I’m still the third best-dressed person in this office. Third.
* = not that there’s anything wrong with that.